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Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
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4:01 pm - Taking Care of Very Leathery Knees
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dear nature cures,
soap can be so skin irritating, chock full of fragrance and coloring; and sandpaper, though non chemical, can cause occasional bleeding.
what do you suggest i should use to remove my 'p. tom's knees', an all too common ailment caused by creeping on all fours through the forest to see campers doing their business.
i.b.a (in breathless anticipation)
C. S. Green.
Everyone knows that the abundance of fax machines, wireless networks, cafes and notary publics in the solitude of the woods makes it an ideal place for doing business. Verily, the economy of the forest never sleeps. In the midst of this bustle of business transactions, however, there exists a creepy underworld of which few people are aware. This strata of the wildlife economy is a cesspool of diseases and infirmities that spread mostly through manners of unclean living that I won't even begin to describe.
Peptoscaly Thomaldahide Syndrome ("P. Tom's Knees" in common parlance), on the other hand is a "disease" that one needn't be ashamed to write home about. Those who creep about on all fours investigating the business dealings of campers perform an unpleasant but vital function in the regulation and stabilization of the economy. This demanding profession is traditionally one for creatures with body-designs well suited for this mode of getting around – mostly ants, pill-bugs, and centipedes, and occasionally lizards, salamanders, and snakes. But in the last fifty years, more and more mammals, even humans, have pushed beyond the restrictions on their traditional roles in the woodland workplace, resulting in some unprecedented adaptive strategies. It is under this umbrella that P. Tom's Knees is classified.
The most notable symptom of P. Tom's Knees is the thick leathery shell that forms over the kneecaps. Most physicians mistake this for leprosy or dermatitis, especially in its earliest stages, and consequently recommend the use of fragrant soaps and sandpaper to remove the unsightly growths. The result is as you describe above, and the discomfort and risk of infection only increase when the patient returns to work.
Most folks know that I am not a "soap user" myself, and I seldom recommend it as a healer. When I do recommend soap, it should be understood right off that I'm referring to Grandpa's Pine Tar Soap, which is really the only soap that a wild-man needs (I still use the same bar my pappy gave me when I was little). Those caught up in the cult of fragrances should use Dr. Bronner's All One Soap. Other than that, you're usually better off washing up with clean water and a pine cone.
My motto is "Take care of your thick leathery shell, and it will take care of you." Besides keeping it clean with pine tar soap, you can also use mink oil to moisturize. Follow the instructions on your package. It should be noted, however, that the listed Daily Value is just enough to prevent deficiency diseases in healthy adults. For optimum daily intake, you can use up to twelve times the printed dosage, as recommended by your healer.
One last note: opportunistic infections abound for those who suffer from Peptoscaly Thomaldahide Syndrome, and these have been traced to a single cause. I don't often like to take the tone of a moralist, but in this case I must issue an unequivocal warning: don't eat everything you find on the ground!
In love and wellness,
Chap
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| Monday, November 8th, 2004
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5:09 pm - Overcoming Belly Button Lint
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Dear Nature Cures,
My problems with Belly Button Lint began in the ninth grade, and now that I'm thirty-something, I could knit a sweater with the lint that comes out of my navel. I thought it was benign, but lately I've noticed lint in my pockets too, and the biopsy has proven that the lint has undergone metastasis. My physician has suggested having the lint removed surgically in combination with chemotherapy, but I wanted to know if there are any options for curing this naturally. Like could I just do some yoga and stop eating Big Macs?
Desperate in Denver
Don't despair! Belly Button Lint can be serious and life-altering, but if you are willing to take some simple steps to support your body's natural healing power, you may be able to get through this without drugs or surgery.
For those who don't know, Belly Button Lint is a term used to refer to a fibrous buildup that occurs in the navel (the "belly button," a small cavity on the abdomen half-way between the rib-cage and heiny). Occasional lint discharge is normal, and is actually a sign that you are wearing clothes. Keeping your immune system vigorous and paying attention to this while bathing is usually enough to keep your belly button clean & fresh.
However, even healthy people should examine their navel on a regular basis, noting any change in the mass, color, or texture of lint. If any of these occur, talk to your healer right away. As with anything, early detection and treatment can prevent a lot of heartache down the road.
In my experience, the best treatment for malignant lint buildup is deep breathing, which usually helps to dislodge the mass without surgical intervention. Also, take a bath. If you can't clean away the lint fibers with soap and water, Fogey's Book of Home Remedies recommends using a sharpened hickory switch to pry it out. Be very careful whenever you have a sharpened stick in your hand (even the act of sharpening the stick can be dangerous, and should not be attempted by the blitheringly stupid)! A steady, gentle stroke is usually all that is needed.
So what about yoga and Big Macs? I don't want to undermine the importance of daily exercise and healthy diet, but in this case the connection is sparse.
Good luck!
– Chap
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